I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

I’ve been stuck in this house for ages. I don’t do anything, I barely move, it’s pathetic. 

I feel like everyone I’ve known has moved on. They all found their place in college. They’ve eventually started to enjoy the college life and do not need to talk to me anymore. I mean I’m happy for everyone, but it just sucks. 

I don’t live in the past, there isn’t much there for me to want, but I just feel like I’m stuck in limbo now.

I wonder if I miss people more than they miss me. I feel like I think about people a whole lot more than is normal. I think about how they are doing and where they are going and it isn’t like I want them to miss me, I just know I think about them and I bet they don’t even think about me.

I am scared to want people. I am scared to love them. I feel like they are going to drop me as soon as something bigger and better comes around. I haven’t let anyone get truly and completely close to me since freshman year of high school. There are people in my life right now that I just want to love endlessly, but I’m afraid of moving faster than them. I’m afraid of showing love and affection. This has been a problem for a really long time, but I haven’t broken out of it and given anyone a chance. I know this sounds so cliche, but shit it is so true. It is hard when you get hurt so young and it takes a lot to fix it and keep going. I am not even talking about romantic love here, I am talking friendship, companionship.  

I don’t know it’s all just weirdness inside my head. I am ok with moving on, sometimes even enjoy it, but I feel like if people saw me now, they would just see this useless lump of space. I feel like they would say “ha look at her, she couldn’t handle college, she moved back.”  (for the record I’m still in college)

yeah well everyone else that I knew that went to Memphis, except one, moved back to Clarksville too….so put that in your pocket. 

I don’t normally care what people say. I know my story and I know what was best for me, but I just feel weird tonight. I just want to sleep like normal, but I slept literally ALL DAY, so I don’t think I could shut my brain off now if I tried.

none of this was written well or with any type of concern, I just had to type.